B. Guile, Date # 3

The Guy

Alias: Monotone
Age: 27
Height: 6'0"
Appearance:
I was very encouraged to discover that he was more attractive in person than in photos. The man is the definition of non-photogenic. Tall, lanky, nondescript. A long hook of a nose with tiny beady eyes and little, slightly crooked teeth. He wasn't unattractive, but at the same time he wasn't wildly attractive either. The one benefit to his physicality was his enticing aroma of clean laundry. Nothing smells better on a man than soap and clean laundry.

The Date

Date: 06/10/2008
Time: 08:30 pm
Duration: 1.5 hours
Location: Katachi, Chicago
Description:
I made my way to the restaurant via the El but found myself there before my date. I phoned him to inquire as to his where abouts and to inform him that I had arrived promptly and safely. Within minutes he arrived and led me into the restaurant. We took our seats and began to peruse the menu. Since this was a local haunt for him, I asked him what he liked and if he had any recommendations. He was completely unhelpful and extremely vague. Thank God I know my way around a sushi menu or I would have been lost and frustrated.

We chatted a little and placed our orders. While we waited for our food (which was almost as good as the Indian takeout I had from the fridge when I got home), I asked him questions and actually listened for the answers. I told minimal stories (if you can believe it) and tried to maintain the conversation. However, this was much more difficult than I had originally thought. Prying information out of him took an act of God. He was reluctant to give more than a monosyllabic answer and made odd nose wrinkles every time I asked something he didn't want to answer or talked about something he showed no interest in. There was little expression on his face even when he discussed something he was passionate about.

He seemed antsy and distracted the whole night. I am not sure whether he was nervous or really would rather have been back at his apartment doing laundry. (By the end, I was almost preferring we both had stayed home to do laundry... though I would have missed out on free sushi, so perhaps I could sacrifice one night of my social calendar) He walked me to the El station and told me it was nice to meet me, so I thanked him for dinner, hugged him, and told him I'd see him online. His face showed emotion for the first time all evening. He actually seemed happy. Hmmm. He was either happy because he just got to rub up against my breasts or because he was finally free to crawl back under his rock. *shakes head* And to think I put on makeup for this...

All in all, I believe this date was much like the man taking me out – completely forgettable.

Frog or Prince?

Baby Makers:
1. He paid for dinner
2. He likes sushi
3. If we're going by the rules of the first date, at least he didn't mention sex!


Deal Breakers:
1. He is not sure he could ever live with anyone again ... including a wife. He quickly made the strong stipulation that it could be possible if he had enough personal space. I agree to a point, but trust me fellas, most girls would recoil with horror at the revelation of a man never wanting to live with them.
2. Could hardly show interest in any of the topics of conversation
3. Barely speaks to his sister because they are just "too different"; not really a family person
4. No passion, no animation, completely boring. He is the kind of man that I cannot imagine ever having a sex life merely because I cannot see him summoning enough emotion or intensity or even excitement to partake in the intimate deed
5. I made mention of my skills in the kitchen... blank face. I suggested that perhaps he was not a sweets kind of guy to which he merely retorted that he likes them too much so he refrains from having them at all.
6. He doesn't like dogs
7. He is the physical embodiment of monotone. No change in expressions, no enthusiasm, nothing.

This is B. Guile, falling asleep (from exhaustion or boredom, we'll never know).

B. Guile, Date # 2

The Guy

Alias: The Irishman
Age: 24
Height: 5'8"
Appearance:
When Irish eyes are smiling, your heart truly melts. Oh man, the bluest eyes that truly sparkle when he laughs. A slight, but fit stature. He has a very laid-back and amiable nature that just oozes through his pores. There is a boyish charm to his looks that is further emphasized with his broad, sparkling smile and soft dirty blond hair. I definitely noticed that he had hands built for computers, but a body built for the football pitch. All in all, he is the quintessential adorable Irishman.


The Date

Date: 05/15/2008
Time: 12:00 pm
Duration: 1.5 hours
Location: Pompei, Oakbrook Terrace
Description:
I originally scheduled the date for 11:45 so that we would miss the heavy lunchtime traffic. Idiot. Not only did I hit the lunchtime traffic, but I hit major construction on two separate roads, turned down the wrong street and ended up crying hysterically in the car thinking he would not be at the restaurant by the time I finally made it there. It took 30 minutes to cross the 4-mile distance from work to the restaurant. I almost threw in the towel and went to Baskin Robbins.

I ran through the parking lot and saw no one standing outside waiting for me. Once inside I scanned the room frantically until I found one sad, lonely little Irishman sitting on a bench in the lobby waiting for me. I waved and smiled, gushing apologies. He told me he was glad I came as he was about to leave. (Almost cried...again) In line, we immediately started chatting, exchanging stories, and laughing. We ordered the same dish and were each issued our own separate lunch tickets. At the register, he grabbed my ticket and told me he was going to pay for my lunch.

He told me to select a seat, so we settled in and continued chatting. We talked about work, food, and soccer. Mostly I babbled like an idiot because my nerves were completely shot. Every time he smiled at me, I almost stopped breathing (which would not necessarily have been a bad thing if it inhibited my speaking abilities). He is not devastatingly handsome, but he is so genuinely adorable that it is hard to believe that some brilliant woman has not scooped him off the market and chained him away somewhere far from roaming eyes. (Read: He is marriage material, which is a first for me in my dating history) We discussed our mutual love of sour patch kids and fruit flavored candies. He mocked my idol worship of tomatoes and we teased each other all through the meal.

When the table was cleared, I suggested I look at the time to ensure we were not running terribly late. I told him that it had been an hour since he had arrived and promptly asked him how long he had for lunch. He simply responded that lunch was typically an hour, though he could take as long of a lunch as he liked if he made up the hours. Ultimately he said that today was not a day for a three hour lunch, but made no indication that he was getting up to leave. He ended up staying and chatting with me for another half hour.

In the parking lot, we did an awkward dance as we walked in the direction of our cars. I am almost sure he tried to walk me to my car, but I wouldn't place money on that bet. Finally I turned, hugged him, and told him I'd talk to him soon. He replied that he'd talk to me soon too. Then smiled and walked off to his car. I instantly regretted not grabbing him by his shirt collar and kissing those beautiful Irish lips right off of him. Though at 1:15 in the afternoon, standing in the Home Depot parking lot, I am almost positive this would have been considered unusual, if not inappropriate behavior. (Oh hush, I am occasionally appropriate and mannerly) Maybe it is for the best that I maintained some composure.

Later in the day, I sent him a short and flirty email to thank him for lunch and apologize for my tardiness. He responded later indicating he had enjoyed meeting me too. Perhaps our rules of first dates only this summer will have to bend like a tree in a hurricane...


Frog or Prince?

Baby Makers:
Irish
Loves dogs
Well traveled
Relaxed personality (maybe I could learn from him)
Intelligent
Witty
Articulate
Adorable

Deal Breakers:
1. Didn't ask to see me again...which may not be a deal breaker, but was rather upsetting
2. Doesn't like sushi or tomatoes
3. Sad, but that's all I've got. Anyone have any suggestions?

This is B. Guile, with a bit of a crush.

B. Guile, Date # 1

The Guy

Alias: The Sex Addict
Age: 24
Height: 6'3"
Appearance:
Normally I would find buggy eyes adorable since they are so reminiscent of pugs and goldfish, but sadly on a man, it seems much less attractive. His cold fish appearance didn't stop at his eyes, though. His lumpy torso and bony limbs led to visual comparisons to tuna with their soft underbellies and sharp fins. His nondescript face melded well with his weak chin. All this combined with his unkempt dark brown locks, made for a frat boy the morning after look that does not appeal to even the most intoxicated freshie.


The Date

Date: 05/13/2008
Time: 08:30 pm
Duration: 1.5 hours
Location: Cold Stone Creamery and an apartment in Boystown
Description:
What a waste of good ice cream.

We met at the Cold Stone Creamery after a truly adventurous trip on the brown line to the Belmont stop. Yes, I am well aware that I am the only idiot in the city of Chicago who does not know where Halstead is in relation to the CTA station. Fortunately, a Southern accent and rain streaked hair gets you directions to just about any place in the city without so much as a smirk. Once I arrived at the Cold Stone, I noted I had a few minutes to freshen up in the non-existent restroom. The kind attendants in the ice cream shoppe directed me to the Caribou next door where I washed my hands and threw the towel in about my previously well-coiffed hair. Then I went back to Cold Stone and read a page in my book while I waited for the Sex Addict to arrive.

He looked like his photos, only slightly less streamlined. (Don't you love how people only put the best photos of themselves up on online dating profiles?) He hugged me hello, which I normally adore, but after enduring his numerous idiosyncrasies throughout the previous week [online], I was more annoyed than comforted by the warm gesture. We stood in silence while we made our dairy selections and then he, being the big strong man, placed our orders. We sat in near silence while he inhaled his Love It and I picked at my Like It. I rambled on about the weather and silly stories that popped into my head. The only contribution the Sex Addict had to the conversation was to make a lude reference of me giving him head when I mentioned that I cannot eat a lot of sweets without something salty to balance it out. I merely let the comment roll off my back and my eyes roll in my sockets.

As soon as we had finished eating, he almost flew out the door in an effort to catch the remains of the Cubs game on television. We walked back to his apartment under the shelter of an enormous golf umbrella (with me on curb side... do note this for later discussion). We sat on opposite ends of the couch to watch the Cubs lose their streak. Our conversation was sparse at best. He made at least two references to sex and gave me a miniature tour of the apartment during a commercial break. All in all, I would say it was a lovely evening...

At least he had the decency to walk me back to the station where he proceeded to hug me good bye and tell me he'd talk to me tomorrow. I can only hope he doesn't keep that promise.


Frog or Prince?

Baby Makers:
He is sexually confident

Deal Breakers:
Gentlemen, allow me to provide some helpful insight into the world of women and dating.
1. If a woman does not express an interest in professional athletic events or makes it widely known that she has no interest, please do not take this as a challenge to win her over to the Wild World of Sports. Especially not on the first date. Sure some day she may love boxing and tractor pulls as much as you do, but on the first date, try to get to know more about her and help her to understand more about you without the use of overpriced beer and your home court advantage.
2. When walking on the sidewalk with a woman, ALWAYS, ALWAYS walk on the street side of the lady so that she is protected from the elements and passerbys.
3. Unless a woman grabs your thigh and looks into your eyes with smoldering heat, do not bring up sex on the first date. Of course she's thinking about it, but she has no interest in talking about it yet. She is currently deciding whether or not it was a bad idea having onions on her sandwich at lunch. Why would she be thinking about this? Because she is deciding whether or not she's going to let you kiss her. Women are very interested in kissing as we see it as a clue towards the way a man handles himself romantically. If you do not kiss well, odds are honey, you're never going to get the chance to prove to her that you do anything else well.
4. Be considerate. Ask the girl what she wants to do for the evening and do whatever it is she wants. Why? Because she holds the cards. No matter how big and strong and powerful you are, men, those fabulous women have something you cannot get unless you work for it...our hearts.


This is B. Guile, signing off from her first interlude in the Summer of Love.

The Rules

All Dates will be recorded in the designated fashion:

Title [The Girl, Date #]

The Guy
Alias:
Age:
Height:
Appearance:

The Date
Date:
Time:
Duration:
Location:
Description:

Frog or Prince?
Baby Makers:
Deal Breakers: