B. Guile, Date # 1

The Guy

Alias: The Sex Addict
Age: 24
Height: 6'3"
Appearance:
Normally I would find buggy eyes adorable since they are so reminiscent of pugs and goldfish, but sadly on a man, it seems much less attractive. His cold fish appearance didn't stop at his eyes, though. His lumpy torso and bony limbs led to visual comparisons to tuna with their soft underbellies and sharp fins. His nondescript face melded well with his weak chin. All this combined with his unkempt dark brown locks, made for a frat boy the morning after look that does not appeal to even the most intoxicated freshie.


The Date

Date: 05/13/2008
Time: 08:30 pm
Duration: 1.5 hours
Location: Cold Stone Creamery and an apartment in Boystown
Description:
What a waste of good ice cream.

We met at the Cold Stone Creamery after a truly adventurous trip on the brown line to the Belmont stop. Yes, I am well aware that I am the only idiot in the city of Chicago who does not know where Halstead is in relation to the CTA station. Fortunately, a Southern accent and rain streaked hair gets you directions to just about any place in the city without so much as a smirk. Once I arrived at the Cold Stone, I noted I had a few minutes to freshen up in the non-existent restroom. The kind attendants in the ice cream shoppe directed me to the Caribou next door where I washed my hands and threw the towel in about my previously well-coiffed hair. Then I went back to Cold Stone and read a page in my book while I waited for the Sex Addict to arrive.

He looked like his photos, only slightly less streamlined. (Don't you love how people only put the best photos of themselves up on online dating profiles?) He hugged me hello, which I normally adore, but after enduring his numerous idiosyncrasies throughout the previous week [online], I was more annoyed than comforted by the warm gesture. We stood in silence while we made our dairy selections and then he, being the big strong man, placed our orders. We sat in near silence while he inhaled his Love It and I picked at my Like It. I rambled on about the weather and silly stories that popped into my head. The only contribution the Sex Addict had to the conversation was to make a lude reference of me giving him head when I mentioned that I cannot eat a lot of sweets without something salty to balance it out. I merely let the comment roll off my back and my eyes roll in my sockets.

As soon as we had finished eating, he almost flew out the door in an effort to catch the remains of the Cubs game on television. We walked back to his apartment under the shelter of an enormous golf umbrella (with me on curb side... do note this for later discussion). We sat on opposite ends of the couch to watch the Cubs lose their streak. Our conversation was sparse at best. He made at least two references to sex and gave me a miniature tour of the apartment during a commercial break. All in all, I would say it was a lovely evening...

At least he had the decency to walk me back to the station where he proceeded to hug me good bye and tell me he'd talk to me tomorrow. I can only hope he doesn't keep that promise.


Frog or Prince?

Baby Makers:
He is sexually confident

Deal Breakers:
Gentlemen, allow me to provide some helpful insight into the world of women and dating.
1. If a woman does not express an interest in professional athletic events or makes it widely known that she has no interest, please do not take this as a challenge to win her over to the Wild World of Sports. Especially not on the first date. Sure some day she may love boxing and tractor pulls as much as you do, but on the first date, try to get to know more about her and help her to understand more about you without the use of overpriced beer and your home court advantage.
2. When walking on the sidewalk with a woman, ALWAYS, ALWAYS walk on the street side of the lady so that she is protected from the elements and passerbys.
3. Unless a woman grabs your thigh and looks into your eyes with smoldering heat, do not bring up sex on the first date. Of course she's thinking about it, but she has no interest in talking about it yet. She is currently deciding whether or not it was a bad idea having onions on her sandwich at lunch. Why would she be thinking about this? Because she is deciding whether or not she's going to let you kiss her. Women are very interested in kissing as we see it as a clue towards the way a man handles himself romantically. If you do not kiss well, odds are honey, you're never going to get the chance to prove to her that you do anything else well.
4. Be considerate. Ask the girl what she wants to do for the evening and do whatever it is she wants. Why? Because she holds the cards. No matter how big and strong and powerful you are, men, those fabulous women have something you cannot get unless you work for it...our hearts.


This is B. Guile, signing off from her first interlude in the Summer of Love.